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Is there something children want from their parents all the time—whether a child is excitedly playing with blocks, doing his homework, or angrily stamping a foot? As a father, I learned the most important thing about what it means to be a kind parent from Aesthetic Realism, the vital educational philosophy founded by Eli Siegel. 

In the chapter "The Child" from his book, Self and World (Definition Press), Eli Siegel describes the largest purpose of every child: "Children are really desperate to see the world as pleasing; and their desperateness is part of a wise hope." 

Every child, Aesthetic Realism explains, comes from the whole world. And therefore what children really want from their parents—whether they can articulate it or not—is to be encouraged to know and like the world. How a parent can do this is a deep and exciting job; in fact, there is nothing more urgent. I have learned that it means wanting to know a child, not managing or patronizing him. It also means opposing in a child, and in ourselves, that which is against liking the world: contempt—building ourselves up by lessening other people and things. 

Yet by the time David was in school there was almost constant bickering and anger between us. Fortunately, through Aesthetic Realism I learned why: like so many fathers, I felt I owned my son. I saw everything he did only in relation to me, as either making me look good or not! 
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I went at him about everything: how he sat in a chair, whether he drank enough milk, brushed his teeth right, had enough friends, was reading enough. And when he didn’t do what I wanted—which was frequent—I felt he was against me. When David came home from first grade and said, "I hate arithmetic," I, who had majored in physics and care for numbers, was devastated. How, I thought, could God have given me a son who doesn’t like math? It got to such a point that David would say to me: "Nothing I do is good enough." 

When there was an announcement at school about a meeting to form new Little League teams, all I thought about was how, as a child, I had never joined a Little League and though I felt superior to the boys who played baseball, I also envied them. So I excitedly told David we were going to the meeting and he was joining, without asking what he wanted. Once there, David decided not to take part. I got angry, he was adamant, we argued. I felt mortified and both of us in tears of rage went home. 

The tangle of anger and guilt I felt was understood in Aesthetic Realism classes taught by Ellen Reiss, the Class Chairman of Aesthetic Realism, which my wife and I attend. In one class when I said I was troubled by how angry I got at my son, I heard the questions and criticism that I was yearning for. Ms. Reiss asked me: "Have you gotten over the fact that a person who comes from your loins is different from you?," 

Joe Meglino: I don’t think so. 

Ellen Reiss: Do you think you can like a person who doesn’t see things just the way you do? 

Joe Meglino: I think I have trouble.

"It’s one of the occupational hazards of fatherhood. Your son feels you are going to be an ethical monitor of him, but he feels your ethics could be better." 

Joe Meglino: Yes, he feels that. 

Ellen Reiss: Do you want him to make up for all your imperfections? He should be a macho, warm child when you were a cold, unmacho child? 

Joe Meglino: Yes, that’s what I feel. 

Ellen Reiss: Do you think he feels he is seen for himself? Or does he feel he is supposed to satisfy you, be as you want him to be? 

Joe Meglino: He doesn’t feel he’s seen for himself.

As I began to see him more as a person in his own right, I also began to feel much warmer towards him. I became a kinder father. Through my son I have learned about myself, and about music, which he cares for and studies. 

That our son has said he feels he can speak to us about what he really feels is something we’re very proud of! This great education is taught by telephone nationwide and at the not-for-profit Aesthetic Realism Foundation, 141 Greene Street, New York, NY 10012, (212)777-4490.